My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
