after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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