Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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