i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
