he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
