Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
