I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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