I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
