It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
