HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
