I CAN MOONWALK!
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
