textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
why do cheetos always look like penises
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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