he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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