Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
