I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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