I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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