I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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