I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
