Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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