woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
