dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
