I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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