i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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