Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
