I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
