so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
