just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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