To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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