We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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