I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
