I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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