saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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