Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
