best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
