Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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