You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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