The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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