You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
