i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
