Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
