Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I party with great urgency now.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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