she woke up with a sticky ear
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
