Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
