everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
