You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
