I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
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someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
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Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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