Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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