If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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