i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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