mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
