He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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