I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
