My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
