You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
